Made Me Laugh

I  Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably  relate to this father).

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in  anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both  hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

“Here, hold Johnny  (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said.

I had him  balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham  sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love  mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not  mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first  and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue..

Later, after she  stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, “Now you know why  they call that fancy mustard Poupon.”