Made Me Laugh

Some winners of The Washington Post’s contest for alternate meanings for common words:

• Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

• Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

• Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

• Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

• Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

• Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

• Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

• Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

• Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.